Every morning, I wake up...I yawn, it hurts. I have not had a proper full blown jaw cracking yawn for nearly 18months. I miss that, it might happen in time, I hope so even though I suspect it'll bloody hurt.
My saliva glands don't operate at full capacity any more, so I always wake up with my mouth bone dry, sometimes my tongue and lips are cracked, that hurts. I focus on getting the juices flowing to get my mouth wet and working again.
I check to see if I bit my tongue in my sleep because I won't have felt it, if so, I might be lisping and spitting at people today...last week or so has been pretty clear, no one got wet.
I feel for the scars on my neck which have swollen and stiffened while I was asleep, and have stuck to the muscle/fatty tissue I have left on my neck, the skin needs to be moved around a bit to free up my neck.
I try to painfully massage the swelling down to loosen my jaw, and get freaked out by the fact rubbing my neck makes my earlobe tickle, no really rubbing my neck makes my earlobe tickle. I can't feel my earlobe any other way.
I rub my chin, to feel the bald patches where my beard used to be, The radiation treatments they used to finish off my cancer cost me a much loved furry facial pet. Only one 1 side though, so I now have to shave every day..I hate shaving...thats why I had a beard. Now I have no choice..a half bearded fat bloke would scare the kiddies.
I do this routine every morning, as I wake up, a constant reminder of what Cancer took from me and gave me in return. As I do this, I realise once again the 50-50 chance I have of making it through the next 4 years till my all clear, is still in my favour.....yeah for statistics. Thats a good day, I savour those days.
On my dark days, and there are a few, those odds worry me. Sometimes the worry overwhelms me, and my mood crashes like a stone and I want to change everything or run away or ignore it or just sulk and let the pain win and give up, hurting others as I wallow in my own self pity.
Fortunately...they have drugs for that!!! yeahhh for drugs.
Time works too, with help.
But yeahhhh for life. 1 year down, 4 to go, then an all clear...maybe, I don't really keep count.
Its good to be alive, even with the odd hassle, the pain is pathetically minor compared to what so many other suffer, to what others have lost. I have no cause for complaints..When people ask me, "Hows life..", I say. "Better than the alternative". They think I'm joking. I'm not. But I smile...a crooked smile, at the fact they chuckle, a crooked smile is every bit as effective as the smile I used to have
I am alive...or at least I will be when I get some coffee!!
I owe all this to a surgeons skill and the care and attention of many dedicated medical people. Not a bloody guilt trip Facebook status update put up for an hour.
Cutting and pasting what your mate put up becuase his mate put it up becuase her mate put it up, and you don't want to be seen to be uncaring as the post suggests.
A cut and post job, won't change a thing. I don't care if you know who your real friends are, I don't care if you know the ones who will post it..I don't care if you have people you know affected by it, don't post it because someone else did, I won't. I'll post messages to remember people, I'll post messages to encourage people I'll post messages to warn people, but I won't post your chain messages.
I don't need to to paste text to let people know that cancer exists, my friends see it in my smile, my family see it in my eyes on my bad days, I see it when I have to bloody shave half a beard and I feel it when I want to finish a yawn.
Please....stop doing it!!! Send 1 hours wages to cancer research...it'll actually be a good use of your hour
Ermmm you can re-post this if you like!!! no guilt, but I know the people who will ;)
to sleep perchance to dream
1 week ago