oops forgot.

sorry, forgot to update

yes mouth was sore for a few more days and I was on the point of calling the doc, but it started to heal...now all good again. Back to normal discomfort and inability to yawn.....sigh!

hmm

getting close to booking a doctors visit...in pain, not getting better...don't think its serious but it is causing me to drool and lisp a bit more than normal....give it a few more days.

ouch

ok I know its a common theme but just reporting the status.

mounth is sore after yawning, and attempting to open wide...side of my face is a bit sore and tender and I'm slurring a bit as a result...hmm

also had a nice glass of scotch last night and my mouth felt like a raw sore when the booze touched it....

damn I have no pleasure.

fine again

yes the sore mouth healed up as expected, I can now open fully again, still not quite at the yawn click phase but it feels so close (yawning as I type this to confirm).

Really not much to report, am in overall good health, couple of sore spots on my neck that I need to massage and the usual tightness. Nothing new or out of the ordinary....sad when discomfort and mild pain are considered ordinary..but you know what I mean.

onward and upward as they say (who...I mean really who actually says that???)

Yawning...has consequences

I was ever so close...just that tiny fraction away from a couple of proper yawns last week...But they hurt...and it seems I've done some damage...which has resulted in more swelling and pain in my jaw, and we're back to the old days of restricted 2-3 finger opening, and pain...rather a lot of it.

Its nothing to worry about really, I stretched the muscles a bit too far going for the yawns and tore some fibres, and now I have to wait for things to heal again but it means I'm back to doing my finger and thumb push ups on my teeth to stop things siezing up. Worse still is not being able to eat cleanly again...food keeps banging on my teeth and falling of the fork...bahh.

As usual, I'll give it a week or so to settle down and if no improvement will go see the doc.

One new thing...my tongue...does not feel quite so numb down the edge as it has done...its not that I have regained feeling as such..just that the actual sensation is different, like I'm no longer aware of the numbness...hard to explain really.. This may also be why I've noticed a slightly more pronounced speech defect in my voice when I am recording my terrible singing, certain sounds are just not coming through as clearly as previous recordings and I sound like I have something in my mouth when talking/singing...its subtle but I have noticed it.
Something to keep an eye on...or an ear!!

all fine

lumps and bumps are nothing to worry about, I just have less flesh and fatty tissue on my neck so I feel things more sharply that you would expect.

check up in 3 months.

Appointment

Appointment booked for 14th Oct.

Just as a small note, prothesis is becomeing much more wearable, can keep it in for hours at a time now though eating does cause some cleaning problems..it does have 1 huge huge bonus, I'm sorry I ever doubted it.

When in place, the prothesis covers up the very ternder new "gum" area which can't abide chillies.....I can eat curry again ;) (so long as no sauce slips under :o)

Sooooo happy.

too damn quiet and worrying developments.

Ok nothing heard from the docs, since my last checkup. I missed my last appointment by accident and have been expecting to have a new appointment sent to continue checks, so far nothing...and now I'm a bit worried.

A lot of the swelling and fluid that surrounded my surgical site has eased away in the last couple of months, which is good. But its also allowed me to feel about a bit at my neck. Now granted it won't feel the same on the bad side as it does on the good site due to lots of missing fat and flesh an a couple of still tender spots, but it does appear to be quite bumpy there..How much of this is scar tissue and how much is natural bumps I don't know but given the nature of these things, bumps are a bit of a worry.

Also in the last week or so, my neck has been feeling quite uncomfortable and tight around the scar..no issues with eating swallowing or anything just a sense of discomfort and tightness....and today that discomfort has turned to very very mild pain...
I emphasise very mild but still..pain isn't good.

Have booked an appointment with Drs van Gemert via the online appointment system they have here, so hopefully will see him inside the week.

I must admit a very slight trepidation at the moment, I hope its nothing of course...
hmmm what to put...yes scared and worried..but its probably nothing at all...but posting here for posterity and the usual record keeping..

oh...before you get all worried mum...its almost certainly nothing at all, more likly a scar tissue problem so lets not get all moody and stressy...See what the doc says 1st.

I will keep you posted.

Quiet!!

Not much happening at the moment, my last dentist appointment was a quick in an out to check that the prothesis isn't rubbing or causing too much pain.

Its not, though I have realised eating with it and wearing it for too long are no no's. But the dentist says I should stick with it. He does not want to see me for a year now so that side of things is over.

Now that I've had it a week or so though I am starting to question its worth..apart from the bit about stopping my upper teeth from falling out in time it does not really add much.

hmmm anyway..am going to book a checkup, since I missed my last one, and they have a funny habit here of dropping you when you don't book followups at appointments. So that I can get my regular 3month checks done...

thats all for now!

Lotta metal

voila...the new teeth



Big chunka metal and artificial gum there. Also I should point out thos sharp looking points, are indeed sharp and I've pricked my lip/tongue a few times putting them in and taking them out.

tbh, I am finding the benefits hard to quantify, yes I can eat with it on my right side for the 1st time since my surgery, but nothing too hard, and after an hour or 2 it does start to feel a little uncomfortable. But I am trying to persevere and overcome that.

Eating with it in though is much more trouble than its worth, eating anything with it in means you need to go remove it and then brush your teeth....so probably best to just remove it before eating.

Anyway...will keep going with it for now. My mouth still feels all strange and odd with its new teeth in place.

The implant is a fantastic success as I can now eat any kind of crunchy food, something I was unable to do before, but like the implant, I often find I must brush/pick/floss immediatly after....We'll have to see if this is going to be a constant, or just a bedding in process.

New Teeth

Back from the dentist. My implant is in and feels ok, though perhaps its a tiny bit high so might need leveling on the next visit. At the moment I'm just getting used to biting down and I have to wait till my jaw muscles settle into a new pattern. It was screwed in pretty tight, then the screwhole plugged up with filler, it looks totally natural.

But more impressive, the prothesis on my right side is also in place and I have teeth again. A fact my tongue seems a bit put out about after having all that space to itself again.

It feels extremly odd, I have to say. The 1st thing I did when I got out of the dentist office was pop over to the hospital canteen to try some food. I only risked a sausage roll (This is Holland, there wasn't much more choice) but yeah, it was ok, I could chew on both sides, no discomfort, though as I said it does feel a bit odd. I wonder how it will cope with a nice steak!!

One thing though my tongue can't get up and over the prosthesis to clean the cheek pouch when and after eating, my tongue is weak/numb on that side so it seems to have problems. So I need to either practice that so my tongue regains that function, or make a point of cleaning after eating pretty much anything.

The thing is locked onto my remaining right and rear left side teeth with a bar under my front teeth. It all feels quite strange, and it also has front steel/tungsten/shiny whatever metal, at the front, so I have a distinct Jaw's from Bond look on that side..But since I can't smile on my bottom right that will never be seen.

I have never had dentures, so I am wonderng if this is how people feel when they have them fitted, like they have a gum shield in place.

Talking is very slightly altered too, I think its the toungue being pushed back into its normal place again and the area the tip of my tongue being slightly different,gives me a very slight lisp again...should sort itself out.


I'll post pics soon.

A bit of creative writing

Every morning, I wake up...I yawn, it hurts. I have not had a proper full blown jaw cracking yawn for nearly 18months. I miss that, it might happen in time, I hope so even though I suspect it'll bloody hurt.

My saliva glands don't operate at full capacity any more, so I always wake up with my mouth bone dry, sometimes my tongue and lips are cracked, that hurts. I focus on getting the juices flowing to get my mouth wet and working again.

I check to see if I bit my tongue in my sleep because I won't have felt it, if so, I might be lisping and spitting at people today...last week or so has been pretty clear, no one got wet.

I feel for the scars on my neck which have swollen and stiffened while I was asleep, and have stuck to the muscle/fatty tissue I have left on my neck, the skin needs to be moved around a bit to free up my neck.

I try to painfully massage the swelling down to loosen my jaw, and get freaked out by the fact rubbing my neck makes my earlobe tickle, no really rubbing my neck makes my earlobe tickle. I can't feel my earlobe any other way.

I rub my chin, to feel the bald patches where my beard used to be, The radiation treatments they used to finish off my cancer cost me a much loved furry facial pet. Only one 1 side though, so I now have to shave every day..I hate shaving...thats why I had a beard. Now I have no choice..a half bearded fat bloke would scare the kiddies.

I do this routine every morning, as I wake up, a constant reminder of what Cancer took from me and gave me in return. As I do this, I realise once again the 50-50 chance I have of making it through the next 4 years till my all clear, is still in my favour.....yeah for statistics. Thats a good day, I savour those days.


On my dark days, and there are a few, those odds worry me. Sometimes the worry overwhelms me, and my mood crashes like a stone and I want to change everything or run away or ignore it or just sulk and let the pain win and give up, hurting others as I wallow in my own self pity.
Fortunately...they have drugs for that!!! yeahhh for drugs.
Time works too, with help.
But yeahhhh for life. 1 year down, 4 to go, then an all clear...maybe, I don't really keep count.

Its good to be alive, even with the odd hassle, the pain is pathetically minor compared to what so many other suffer, to what others have lost. I have no cause for complaints..When people ask me, "Hows life..", I say. "Better than the alternative". They think I'm joking. I'm not. But I smile...a crooked smile, at the fact they chuckle, a crooked smile is every bit as effective as the smile I used to have

I am alive...or at least I will be when I get some coffee!!

I owe all this to a surgeons skill and the care and attention of many dedicated medical people. Not a bloody guilt trip Facebook status update put up for an hour.

Cutting and pasting what your mate put up becuase his mate put it up becuase her mate put it up, and you don't want to be seen to be uncaring as the post suggests.

A cut and post job, won't change a thing. I don't care if you know who your real friends are, I don't care if you know the ones who will post it..I don't care if you have people you know affected by it, don't post it because someone else did, I won't. I'll post messages to remember people, I'll post messages to encourage people I'll post messages to warn people, but I won't post your chain messages.

I don't need to to paste text to let people know that cancer exists, my friends see it in my smile, my family see it in my eyes on my bad days, I see it when I have to bloody shave half a beard and I feel it when I want to finish a yawn.

Please....stop doing it!!! Send 1 hours wages to cancer research...it'll actually be a good use of your hour

Ermmm you can re-post this if you like!!! no guilt, but I know the people who will ;)

Cancelled

My dentist appointment got cancelled last week, my non english speaking angry dental assistant called me to let me know the appointment was cancelled.I understood Geen Afsprek Donderdag (no appointment on Thursday) but the rest left me mystified, going to have to pop in and see when the next appointment is.

Cavities....

I didn't realise dentists give you cavities as well as fill them :)

I have had a couple of holes drilled into my teeth to hold my new plate, odd sensation having a drill working without anisthetic!

There was also some more imprints taken using much stronger rubber based compounds that were a nightmare pull out.

Annoyingly I got a telling off for not brushing teeth well enough...twice a day and after sticky meals....grrr what more can do?

Next week, I think I get my implant crownso that'll be an interesting day.

still in pain

Started my dental stuff with a fairly standard impression being taken, nothing to write home about on that. I have 6 or 7 more appointments over the next 2 months to make a plate to sit where my jaw used to be, and to provide a crown for the implant stud.

I'm still in pain thougha couple of "big yawns" caused some tearing in my jaw muscles and depending on how many follow up yawns occur, my jaw can be quite sore. At the moment it does ache a bit and its meant I am back to a 2 finger insert...but it should clear up.

I'll update you as and when anything ineresting happens.

Pain....

Well I think I finally managed that full yawn a couple of times this week. But in the process I have hurt myself so not sure if I quite got the the crack point before it hurt
The muscles at the back of my jaw are now quite tender and a bit stiff, also inside my mouth there is a lot of tenderness and some pain, if I am eating/sneezing or otherwise causing my cheeks to puff...It may be a sign of something worrying but I think its just the muscles reacting to their 1st full stretch in over a year.

I also have noticed a bit more sideways movement of my jaw while mouth is open wide, though not without some discomfort at the extremes, but again...its been a while and those muscles and tendons need a bit of easing in.

I have an appointment next week with the dental staff so will get them to have a proper look when I am staring up their noses, just to make sure.

In the meantime I have a cold and am again finding the numbness at the back of my throat to be a problem as snot drains away at the back but I don't always get the message to swallow..cue occasional coughing fits as I breath rather than swallow.

I have decided not to continue with my physio, mainly becuase of the disruption it causes trying to juggle appointments and work. Also I think we ran out of major benefits some time back. Its pleasent enough and after a few weeks there is a buildup of stiffness but I want to try to sort that myself. I bought a small non sexual vibrator, designed to ease away worry and laughter lines according to the bumph..I'm using that to stimulate the swollen and tight scar areas of my surgical site.

Anyway...better try and get some sleep, colds and coughing fits don't make for easy sleeping but I am now quite tired.

Implants ahoy!

A month since my last post, shows how little has been happening I guess. My dry mouth in the mornings thing, has not really gone away, and the physio has been on her hols so I've not been subjected to any sadistic face massages for while.

But I did have a procedure yesterday to put an implant in my upper right side to replace a tooth I lost a few years ago due to a dentist mistake, once in place this will aid chewing on my good side.

Implant procedure was strange...a small surgical procedure carried out under a local, but I was all covered up, and had my eyes shieleded under surgical wraps so I could not really see what was going on. No pain at all in the area, though there was a definite thump from something at the back of my throat, I suspect something slipped and fell into my mouth which caused a shock reaction but no one explained what had happened.

Rather a rough tough process too, more like being in a mechanics workship than a dental surgery, lots of cranking of small mouth pinned tools some banging, lots of shoving and worst of all drilling.

Now when I say drilling I don't mean whimpy little bzzzzz bzzz dentist drills, nope, nosirreebob, I mean really bone boring BRRRR BRRRR heavy drills that go up through the jaw area. Several times until the correct size of hole was made.

I was then asked to blow down my nose while it was pinched by the surgeon and amazingly I was breathing through the hole...so I assume the hole goes up into my sinus area...I have no idea if its supposed to or not, but it was a very odd sensation blowing air out of my tooth gap.
Then the rod goes in, more cranking and twisting and shoving, after which a couple of stiches to close up the gum.

Totally painless, aside from the unexplained impact in my throat.
I now have a small metal rod in my jaw which will poke out a little once the swelling goes down. Then in 6 weeks I get a crown fitted to that and I have a new toth.

Once the local wore off it was a little painful, fortunately I was having drinks with my mate Martin then Bina joined me for a meal in town and I happily stayed tipsy the rest of the day, with help from some mild painkillers, I felt nothing.
I had some morphine left from the RT and was ready to use that if needed but it was fine.

Today, the day after my mouth is a bit tender and I need to be careful eating but its not too bad...more alcohol :D

I also had to go see the hospital dentist to book appoinments for the crown, and got a very stern telling off, in Dutch from the receptionist...quite bizzare really, last week I got a phone call from the hospital telling me I had missed an appoinment, and gave me another time (today actually) to come in. But it turned out due to language issues, they were telling me to come in right away and then ....something, something. My dutch is still quite poor.

With help from someone who could translate it seems I had a series of appoinments lined up to sort out the plate on my bad side...trouble is I never actually received notice of these appointments so of course missed the 1st and possibly second one, hence the irate call, and the even more irate receptionist.

I tried to explain that I had not been given notice of these appointments, much buck passing then took place about it and it became apparent they were not willing to accept I had not recieved the appointments.
I gave up...until the dentist himself came out and tried to give me a telling off for missing appointments and wasting his time...That was the last straw, I forcefully...well with numb lips, as forcefully as I could, told him I never got the appointments, so can't be held responsible for missing them...only to again hear the receptionist get annoyed because they had called me to remind me....cross puposes again..

The basic issue is that I never got the appoinment card, so ......everything after was basic miscommunication, and indeed I have no appointment today after all so I have no idea what the hell was going on.

Anyway, I now have 6 fresh new appoinments, on a card...which I will happily keep.
Lets just hope thats the end of that particularl hassle and the dentist does not take it out on me by forgetting to give me a full dose of local when he's messing about with my teeth.

1 down 4 to go.

1 year since the op.

It really does seem like a lot longer to me when I think back, but no its a year...I have 4 more to go before I get an all clear and a few minor procedures to fix things ahead of me.

I suppose now's a good time for an update?

Mouth opening has improved considerably, yawning is gettign wider and wider. I still have some swelling under my jaw that is a little tender at times, but overall not bad. A few more months of physio then I think I'll knock that on the head.

Still can't eat hot spicey or strong mint flavours but pretty much anything else is ok.
Right side of my bottom lip is still paralysed though I have feeling, generally though aside from a lop sided crooked smile, occasionally slurred speech and a few random spits on people, its not causing too any issues.
Right edge of my tongue is also a little numb most of the time but its quite usable :D My sense of taste is quite normal.

My beard has not come back following its loss due to the radiation, I think thats probably going to be permenant. :(

Some tightness of the scar from time to time but thats not so bad.

Overall..1 year on, I'm pretty much fully recovered from the surgery and its other effects. Getting on with life and still moving forward.

Roll on the next 4 years.

all good

After my quick check up with Dr van Gemert, it seems my glands are working fine, producing saliva and may just be a bit irritated by oedema or something, nothing to worry about, I need to chew gum and eat more citrus to stimulate the saliva glands a bit more.

Paranoia after all, but well founded, he agreed that if anything changes its best to get checked out before it escalates..

Paranoia is good sometimes

I've noticed something different, not being the hypochondriac type I tend not to get too worried about my body doing odd things or bits falling off or not working, I am getting on a bit after all.

But anything mouth related needs to be checked out ASAP. The last couple of weeks I've been waking up with an incredibly dry mouth, it now seems that I am not producing much saliva on my right side, and also a slightly odd taste is developing there...I also have become more numb at the back of my throat on that side causing me to lose my naturual swallow reflex when mucus drains from my nose into my throat...(technical eh!) This has caused me to have some slight coughing fits that are becomeing more regular.

No idea what this is, but its not right so have made a request for an appointment with Drs van Gemert and will get it checked out.

I'll update after I've spoken to the doctor.

1 year

I missed an anniversary yesterday, surprising considering how there are 2 dates imprinted on my brain. April 6th and April 27th.

April 6 2010 is when I was told I had cancer...it was quite a rollercoaster day, I had already suspected because of the questions the Dentist and Doctor had asked (are you losing weight, feeling ok, tiredness, etc) but to actually hear the doctor say "malignant" it was both a shock and relief. I'd spent a whole weekend stressing about things which accounts for the relief, but the shock was more understandable.

1 year on...I seem to be well, touch wood, still having treatment of various kinds, lots of follow ups of course and soon to have some dental work that I am not going to enjoy and every day the yawn is getting closer and closer.

Yup, cancer sure makes life interesting. I can't believe I actually forgot..I guess thats a good thing.

April 27 2010 is the date of my op...strangely that seems so long ago now, much longer than a year but it does mean I'm 1/5th of the way towards my all clear. Maybe I'll have a small celebration of that anniversary!

April Fool

Well not quite, but todays appointment didn't have a lot of content to it. A Check up and arrangments to have my implant done in May. Otherwise all seems fine. I need to get a slight tickle in my throat checked out if its still there when the time comes to jam lumps of metal in my jaw but other than that, very uneventful.

I can get 3 full fingers in..

ok, reading that back its not the best headline in the world and may even attract some pretty strange google hits...but I am really quite pleased that I can shove 3 fingers in. ;)

My jaw has been getting looser and looser, possibly due to the regular massage, but more likely due to my stubbern willingness to let my body do its own thing and try to allow my yawns to go the distance. They don't yet..but each time I am aware of a little bit more stretching, some tearing, an occasional fair bit of pain and ultimatly a wider and wider yawn.

Still can't quite manage to get a full blown yawn out but I do feel its very close, perhaps on the aniversary of my surgery?

And as a measure of how wide I can now open I can put 3 fingers in (no pinky's) without scraping teeth...Considering at one point I could barely put 1 finger in and had to squish food into my mouth, this is a huge improvement. Doughnuts no longer hold any fear!.

Nothing much else to report, physio is still ongoing, doc/dentist appointment on April 1st. Depression seems to be under control, though I have been putting off making an appointment with the counciller...not sure why...just want to see how things go.

Might have a crack at a big mac soon.... :D

oops sorry

Not been a lot to report, having regular physio facials with nothing much to say, aside from the fact the trainee physio has been having a go and a butterfly flapping on my face would have more impact...which is nice but probably not very effective.

I had a dental hygenist visit, much more sadism on show there, have to go every quarter for a couple of years.

And have a trip to the Doc and dentist lined up to discuss a plate in my right side as well as a possible implant on the left side to plug a missing tooth and improve my chewing ability. It seems the insurance are happy to pay for this so thats all good.

I'll update if anything interesting happens....

oh oh there is something, my mouth opening is definitly getting wider, through yawning, it hurts and sometimes it hurts more the next day but there is no doubt continued yawns are causing my mouth to open wider and wider.

Sadly still no sign of lip control so occasional biting of my lip when eating is still a problem, but at least I have a lot of feeling there now so I can feel when I am biting.

How much?

It seems I have to pay a certain amount of my treatments, the 1st €170 to be exact, got a bill in last week and asked the physio about it today. She explained it was the norm..

oh kay...well I guess thats just how it is here with insurance based healthcare there's usually something to fork out.

session was uneventful, am definitioly feeling the area around the surgery site is much softer and more pliable, even if a lump does build up I find I can smooth it away now..so progress.

getting soft

A very relaxing and enjoyable facial today, hopefully not follow up pain like last time.

Trainee sadist

Today my physio had a student/intern in and asked if it was ok if she try out a few moves...I had no issue with that and in fact becuase she was so scared to hurt me, it was actually a very nice head/shoulders/facial massage in the end, interspersed with some harder painful bits when she was being shown how to do it properly...whimper.

I'll be interesting to see how long it takes for her not to care if she's hurting me :), then she can graduate.

A few hours later though my face was really sore and twinging...so I guess even the gentle stuff does something.

I have my referral letter for my depression councilling, I need to give them a call to arrange times etc. I also got a script for 90 days worth of Prozac to keep me chilled out...then promptly lost the drugs on the way back from the pharmacy...I had to go back to the docs today to get replacements...ah well.

All taped up

As a result of some increased oedema and general swelling my Physio has taped up my face again in an effort to ease the flow, so to speak. Going to look a bit silly for the rest of the day but I don't mind giving it a go.

Physio was a little painful at times, as usual, but no real issues.

Depression is definitly lifting, I am feeling a lot more capable and while I won't go as far as saying I look forward to the challenges of the day, I'm not dreading them, which is good, consdiering I have a lot of school marking to get through as quickly as I can manage so I can look forward to an easy evening.

Doctor has sorted out a referral letter for me to go see the depression therapist and we'll hopefully start that pretty soon to round things off.

More physio next week.

Get Ready for new teeth

Had my follow up appointment with Drs van Gemert and Dr Mel, the dentist. They're going to try and use a simple false plate to start with, on the toothless side, since there's not a lot of bone available to fix anything long term.

If that doesn't work then they will do something a bit more drastic, which hmmm, I'm not sure about! Hyperbaric treatments and bone implants then teeth implants...All sounds a bit extreme and a bit of a long haul painful slog. We'll see how we get on with the prothesis 1st which while not giving me complete chewing freedom will help I am sure...it may work or it may not. I will give it a try. Dr Mel should start fitting me for it in April.

Also he's going to apply to the insurance to have an implant on my upper good side, to replace the missing tooth. The argument being that as that is my dominant side I want reduce any restrictions I have with chewing, crusty/sharp food for example is a bit of a no-no at the moment.
If the insurance don't go for it though I will pay for it myself, since I can see a major benefit with that, and tbh I had always planned on having that missing tooth replaced after my previous dentist broke it, splitting it in 2, resulting in its removal. We'll see what the insurance has to say.

Learned a new fact today...teeth which do not have opposites to bite down on, tend to grow down to fill the space...never knew that!! Its something to be aware of apparently.

Oh and finally he wants me to carry on with the physio, even if the benefits now are small it will help avoid problems with oedema build up so...might be something we have to keep up for some time.

Penultimate Physio?

Subject to Drs van Gemerts opinion, todays will probably be the penultimate physio session. I have an appointment with him tomorrow and he agrees that we're getting no more benefit then we'll have 1 last session next week and thats that...

Today's wasn't so bad actually, little harsh around the scar on my neck but fairly relaxing as I took some pre-emptive painkillers to take the edge off things.

feeling more normal

The 5 day or so bender on tranqs may very well have been a bit of a downer, but in actual fact I have come out of it feeling a lot better. The incident that upset me no longer preys on my mind as much, even though I still feel hurt by it, I'm not reliving it over and over in my head any more and screaming in my head about how hurt I am.

I've caught up with my admin work and can now look forward to dealing with some intense marking followed by a relatively long period of not much to do where I can indulge my own interests at work to develop a new course.

So..back on track I think. Prozac doing its thing and starting to lift the mood a bit. Councilling to start soon and see how that goes.

I found some useful information on post cancer related issues...makes interesting and very recognisable reading...which helps me realise this is just another part of the disease that needs to be dealt with so life can return to normal.

no thats enough

The tranqs are leaving me totally wasted, I am literally a zombie, walking around like the living dead or sleeping...nope..not good.

Not taking any more, we'll have to deal with any anxiety issues in some other way.

eek telling total strangers why I am sad.

I have had something of a setback in my depression, I got very upset at the weekend and am totally unable to shake feelings of betrayal and intrusion that resulted, which are making me incredibly stressed, sad and generally feeling very dark, listless and uncommunicative.

Logically I know there's no real harm done and people had my interests at heart but but the mind is not happy and its making its point. I genuinely feel shocking and unable to focus on much more than my guitar playing...though I am focing myself to get my work admin done so I can relax when its complete.

Doc wants me to take the tranqs more to settle down my highly increased feelings of anxiety and stress and to generally calm down. I'm keeping more to myself as I know I am grumpy and emotionally unstable and Bina is pissed with me which I can't really cope with.
And the clincher...gotta go see a psycologist, the doc is going to set it up. I've had counselling in the past for depression, though that was more life/situation based so we'll have to see how this works for situations where there is a tangible physical reason for the emotional turmoil that follows.

Still though, its apparently a quite normal if not 100% common, post treatment kind of issue from major surgery and cancer treatment...but damn, it feels a bit like I'm on a loony wagon and can't jump off.

And no booze while I'm on the pills...being depressed really really sucks!! The only time I feel totally normal is when I am in social situcations and the pills stop that.

hmmm pain and sorrow.

yup, quite sharp and strong..ish pain today after the session. Feels like someone hammered a nail into my jaw..not happy.

We're going to do a couple more and ask Drs van Gemert if he thinks we should continue. Its had a benefit for sure, swelling has been reduced and my face is much more "normal" but I think we've reached the end of any tangible benefits and its now just a weekly S&M session which I'm not really enjoying that much.

I have been noticing a slight increase in mouth opening though, yawns are getting a little bit wider, though I still can't crack my jaw open yet it feels close. Not without some discomfort though, but who knows, maybe the yawns are doing more to open my mouth than the finger thumb stretch excercises.

Depression is quite severe again after a bit of a lift. I had a really horrible horrible weekend alone and felt very very stressed and paraniod over my sense of self being taken away...sounds daft, but things that were important to me were "harmed" and I have trouble dealing with it. I'm climbing the walls a little.

I had to pop several tranq's to calm myself down and spent a lot of time sleeping. Getting back to work today has helped a little, being busy takes my mind off things, but I am not being very effective unless I am dealing with students, my admin is going to pot though and thats snowballing some stress that I need to deal with...glad that I have a very easy few months coming up at work.

I can feel my chin!!

well the left side of it...todays rather deep physio massage seems to have eased the swelling around my chin quite a bit so I can actually feel my chin again.

nice...though it did hurt of course.

Happy New Year

And after a nice break, we're off again, Physio today, not as bad as usual, I think quite a bit of healing got done over the break, so it was not so painful.

Quite looking forward to the end of it though, its getting to be a bit of a chore.

Depression seems to be stablising...things don't "feel" quite so bleak, and I am starting to get some motivation back to do things, been doing some chores that needed doing. Anxiety and stress levels have reduced considerably, and I'm, not quite so quick to stress out..still there though, and once or twice have resorted to the tranqs to ease some fears...not that they seem to do a huge amount.

I have enjoyed the break from work, I think that more than anything has been the most benefit, just chillin' is quite helpful.

Another visit to the Docs tomorrow to repeat the script and wait a couple more weeks for the pills to really kick in.