Even after all this time?

 Hello,

Anyone still reading this? Probably not, but it lets me put down some thoughts from time to time whenever the subject of cancer crops up.

I lost my mum in June 2024 to a combination of COPD and lung cancer. Her lungs were basically buggered from years of smoking, and the addition of lung cancer just after she hit her 80s just didn't give her a chance, her lungs were done, the cancer never got to full fury, but what lung capacity she had, it grabbed from her.

I didn't write about it at the time, it hurt a bit too much, but I wanted to put a few thoughts down and also detail some of the outcomes of that.

I sat with her in her hospice care as she slipped away. She wasn't comfortable, as people often say, but she wasn't in terrible pain so her meds were mostly to calm her down a bit. She just got tired and faded away in a bed she wasn't able to escape from due to growing weakness. There were a few bouts of hallucinations and confusion/paranoia, but mostly she was angry and grumpy and fed up and scared. 

I can't shake the feeling even now that basically she died of malnutrition and dehydration, hospice care isn't about prolonging the life, just managing the process of dying, so there was no intervention like drips and feeding tubes when she started to lose her appetite and unable to hold a glass.. Even when we put it in kiddy cups with straws. No amount of persuasion could convince her to have another teaspoon of scramble egg... she was done with eating.

She was tough though, she was expected to last a week or 2, when admitted, but lasted far longer...I ferried over from Netherlands to England to take turns with my brother Colin and spent as much time with her as I could in shifts, sitting or sleeping next to her bed. 

She confounded the docs, by making it to her 83rd birthday, finally passing away a few weeks later, as I had left the room for a few minutes to make myself a coffee.... I came back in, sat down and realized she wasn't sleeping, she had gone... I honestly think she was waiting for me to leave the room so she could go... 

Losing a parent is hard, especially my favorite one, I never was close to my dad, who also died of cancer...Prostate in his case...some years before in his 70s. We were estranged for years, not really due to any great animosity or incident, we just didn't really get on with each other and didn't go out of our way to meet up. When I moved away from Scotland, the chances to meet up vanished and I wasn't especially troubled by that. I can probably write a book about what was wrong with my relationship with him, but who'd read it?

Mum though, I had kept in touch with all my adult life, she moved to England when I did, and was always around through good and many bad times... An independent resourceful women, but also kinda unlucky in her choice of men, eventually giving up on them as a waste of time. 

But she was the paramount grumpy old lady I hope one day that I can be half as grumpy. I miss her very much.

The time I spent with her as we went from chuckling conversations, to deep talks about life and dying, then long quiet times, gave me a lot of time to consider and think about the future. 

My wife and I had a fair idea of what we were going to do when we retire but that was 7 years away at least, maybe more if he wanted to keep the house and pay the mortgage.

I'll cut to the chase, at 60, and losing mum, I finally realised, finally, why did it take that long? That life is unpredictable and short. If we use genetics as any kind of marker, I might live as long as mum, so I had 20 years left. I had cancer once, and a few kinda risky illnesses and one disagreement with a car as I walked out onto its road, in my past.. But at anytime life can be over.. 

I started to work out the maths, how much was our house worth, even with the 200K left on the mortgage, 500-600K? hmmm there's some equity... is it enough? More maths, and yes, though it depends where? Spain, Greece, Portugal? not really... We needed to look further. Thailand, my wife Jirawan is from Thailand and we visited a few times and I liked it, but she had left  12 years before, did she want to go back?

I spoke with Jirawan, and she was a bit reluctant, not so much about Thailand itself, but timing, leaving before we'd put a full pension together was a risk, and I wouldn't be able to work in Thailand...But at 67 I get UK pension, about a 3rd Dutch State pension and 17years worth of company pension... which in total, is actually quite a lot...but only at 67

I showed her the numbers, and she agreed it could be done and that we'd live well if we could get a good price for the house and also all the stuff we'd have to sell to allow us to travel.. We started our plans.

So... the point of the "Even after all this time"... In Dec 2025, We moved to Thailand, sold the house, sold all our goods (including most of my prized guitars) and landed in Chiang Mai.. 

Thailand is lovely, really, but... I needed health insurance... there's a very good public system here, which I am allowed to use but have to pay for, and tbh its quite affordable as long as its not for anything massive, like emergency surgery, transplants or....hospice care.. which can be pricey..
So I sought out private health insurance... and managed to find a few options... all but one, refused to cover me for cancer, any type...luckily one did but.. no squamous cell carcinoma, which is the cancer I had... even after 16 years this month, its a pre-existing condition and they won't cover it.

Even after all this time....the cancer still fights back.... 

And as much as it helps people who want to cling to every minute, I am never going to go into hospice care... if my life is going to end.. I'll take steps while I am able..

In the meantime, its time to enjoy the next 20 years, try to make it 30 and enjoy living.

And back to sleep

Nothing to see here, Dr Jan was not at all concerned, the bump is a tiny bit of root debris from the extraction, it will form a small lump and in time settle down.. no need for a biopsy or any intervention. All is well.

So, 15years later, I get another all clear and move on to the next stage of life, retirement and old age.. every day is a bonus.

I will still make a point of checking and double checking my various bits and bobs for lumps and bumps, and even if it does mean a wasted trip to the hospital sometimes, its always worth checking. Cancer often likes to have a 2nd attempt, so check yourself out.

I don't update this unless something happens, so, lets hope no more updates are needed again.

take care of yourself.

Thats a bit more worrying

After the tiny scare we have something a bit more substantial to  worry about. After another extraction of a rear molar, not due to radiation though, just wear and tear on an old unloved crown that didn't take... 

I have a lump.

A tangable very clear, slightly tender lump that may have been obscured for a while with the old tooth.. OR... there is an OR, may have come up as a result of the actual removal of the tooth, which is possible due to a bit of bone damage, but would normally settle after a week or 2... 4 weeks later, it still there still a very clear lump.

So back to see Dr Jan,  Thursday morning... get a biopsy and settle my fears.

There was a tiny scare

 Hi reader.

There can really only be one now, are blogs still a thing?

5 years or so? Well I've had nothing new to report, no more treatment related issues, I've got used to false teeth and had a nicer lighter set made after losing the last ones... No real issues other than the usual, gritty things get under your plate and don't eat toffee; complaints everyone else gets.

I still have little niggles of sore gums and my dead lip makes me lisp or spit a bit, but nothing new.

But I did get a tiny scare a month or so back, when the dentist got a bit stressed out due to a white mark on my gum, that refused to fade away, wasn't raised or sore, just a white mark.  He suspected a fungal infection but when I changed mouthwashes and it still didn't go, he sent me off to my old surgeon, just to be sure.... which raised a few small red flags.

I asked are you saying it might be.. and he honestly said, I don't know but given your history we must make sure. gulp.

My history....15 years ago... hmm ok, but it did put a tiny bit of wind up my sails... and I went to see Dr van Geemart again for the 1st time in over 10 years.. He's a little older but still his cheery self.  Only partly remembered me and was reminiscing about when he was able to do ops in the Breda Hospital, it seems they don't do that anymore he has to do them in Tilburg now.

But he had a look and, was very happy, it apparently is nothing more than me being a bit too vigorous while brushing and creating a bit of a callous over that part of my gum. Use softer brushes..

Phew... nothing to worry about... but its easy to get stressed out isn't it.

See you in another 5 years... 

Bye bye loose canine

yeah it went....got progressivly looser and I managed to pull it out myself.

I'll give it a week or 2 to  heal up then go see the dentist and check if the one remaining tooth is going to stay stable enough to anchor some new falsies to it.


bummer eh... but small prices to pay.


10 years this year, since the surgery...I have done rather well, it pains me though to hear of others with similar or even lesser oral cancers having life threatening situations. I got off relatively light..

More teeth gone and added??

Well, hello... been a while?

Don't panic, there's nothing major to report, just the fact that my radiotherapy and/or reduction in blood flow has finally taken its toll on my front teeth, with a total of 3 now. 3 Bottom incisors gone, 2 fell out on their own, the dentist removed the 3rd before it went, to allow her to have somehing solid to build a set of false teeth. There's still a good chance I will also lose my right bottom canine as its become a little painful since the false bridge was fitted and I wear it as much for cosmetic reasons as I do for support of that tooth.
Oh I also had my wisdom tooth above the surgical site removed while I was there (no they didn't have a 2 for 1 deal), this has made opening wide a bit easier and yawns a bit less painful.

No implants possible unfortunatly, the bone is even more deteriorated than my xray image above, (I must ask if I can have a copy of my xray), there's essentially a semi circle less jawbone there which has died off. Almost certainly due to the radiation beam. The lack of anchor bone and the rate of its decay would mean implants would have nothing to bind to. I dunno if this is something that will continue and cause more harm, I guess the dentist will let me know when its a concern during a checkup.

But the falsies are not so bad, its just a case of getting used to them. I got a standard set of low cost ones first to get my head around wearing them, They are not especially unpleasant, but the ads about biting apples with false teeth using fixadent are really over selling :D I can however eat and talk and sing (without whistles) with them so am happier than I was with the original surgical site prosthesis. I didn't bother to extend the false set to my surgical site as there's no gum tissue to sit them on and it would just be uncomfortable.

I'll get a lighter pair later on in the year, when we establish if I can keep the wobbly canine, as well, but I'm not confident.

Nothing else to report, usual tenderness, moderate pain on yawning, and recently a friend got me in a playful choke hold which set of a wonderfully unpleasent 5 minutr spasm in my throat....take note any friends....don't do that to me please..

so I lost the tooth

When I was  on holiday in Kenya my bloody tooth came out. As noted before, both my bottom incisors were compromised because of bone necrosis of the jaw caused by my radiotherapy 7 years ago, the bone has been dying away all that time and exposing the teeth, the 1st one lost its foundations about 6 months ago and has been wobbly ever since. It has been a bit of a pain, the Dentist wants me to go to the hospital, but I was
a) busy
b) not happy about going back to the hospital.

So anyway, after a lot of discomfort and wobbling, biting into some toast one morning I bit down on the tooth and it was very painful, and sure enough a few hours later I realized it was still niggling and tugged it, and out it came. No pain, and actually quite a relief, but of course I now have a gap in my teeth.

Its not obvious really, my droopy lip, also cancer treatment relate,  hides it when I smile, but the gap is there to see when I talk.

But I have to say its better out, I can eat again, biting into food, and no fear of biting down on a sore tooth. Now the other tooth will come out in due course, then I will have to go the hospital and see if anything can be done (I know that they can't, there's no bone for an implant) but we'll see how the other tooth manages on its own for now, when, not if, it gets loose I'll talk to the dentist.